The rules

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, we hear this all the time, but where does this fall into the Godly realm? 

"The sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so?" Romans 8:7 NIV

So, what is God's law? I would hope we are all familiar with the Ten Commandments, but what does God REALLY want from us as far his 'law' is concerned? From what I understand, and it is I am sure not 100% correct, but this is MY journey after all.

From what I understand the Ten Commandments were/are the groundwork for God's law, it explains to us how we are supposed to act toward God, ourselves and of course our fellow man. In any society or group there has to be rules and regulations or the entire thing will crumble. The same concept applies in Christianity and your relationship with God. Even though we are forgiven of ALL of our wrong doing with a mere request for forgiveness, that doesn't mean that he wants us to go out and destroy the name of Christianity, destroy his image or the things we all stand for. He wants us to BE LIKE HIM. 

"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth and over all the creature that move along the ground."" Genesis 1:26

So it sounds to me that he wants us to be like him, follow him but we will never be him. This guy was PERFECT! He was put on this earth and went through more trials and temptations than we can ever imagine and yet he managed to remain faithful to his father and not sin, not even once. But, we are human, we were made in his image not his clones. He wants us to follow him and need him. So in order to do these things all he is asking that we follow the rules. 

I think the first and most important rule is that we come to God willingly and with all of our heart, after all who wants to follow rules that we don't believe in or support. (I mean we all have to follow basic rules to be a member of society, and this is where the Ten Commandments set the groundwork.) If we don't come to him or join him willingly how can we really get to know who or what he is really about right?  I think the second part of this 'law' agreement is simply based in love. We must love God, we must love our neighbors, love our parents, love our spouses etc... In order to keep the commandments we must put someone else above ourselves and 'love' them enough to not sin against them. Sounds simple right? If it were so simple and easy to follow would God really have made Moses go to the top of the mountain and write the rules in stone and them come back down and have God himself scare the Israelites? God said he is a jealous and wants us only to believe and listen to him, that is rule #1. This all seems to straight forward, Follow the Ten Commandments, love those around us more than ourselves and do all of this willingly. But it's not as easy as it sounds. I am reminded of the funny message/prayer

"Dear Lord, So far I have done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty selfish or overindulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few moments,God, I'm going to get out of bed. And from then on I'm going to need a lot more help."

I think that hilariously sums up our need for God and how hard it really is to follow the laws of God. But we need to remember he is there. Take a breath, take ten if you need to, say a little prayer and remember, when we need him the most he is the closest to us. The rules are there for a reason and we make not like the and at times difficult to follow, but we have the most patient, loving and forgiving father to set s back up when we fall and be there for us when we stray from the path.

These aren't impossible rules to follow, but they aren't always easy. But the more we put God first, follow these rules daily it will become second nature. Just take it moment by moment and remember we are made in his image, we aren't him.

Thank you Lord for your patience, I am going to need a lot of it! 

Why does God let bad things happen? My interpretation

Why does God let bad things happen? I have to say this is the most awkward and dodged question for most Cristians. It's like a small child "where do babies come from?" It's really a difficult question for most people to answer, I know I ask this question a lot more than I care to admit. And I am not alone in this endeavor, one Googe search and over 4 MILLION results. I browsed a few results out of mere curiosity and a common thread in all of them.... We won't get the answer here (world.) Well, what the.... You can tell me why there are weird lights above the North Pole, and why two oceans in the gulf of Alaska don't mix, apparently it is the water density of the melting ice and the existing water in the gulf, there is you nugget of information for today:) See, I have written only a paragraph on the topic and am already running from the question.

Today marks the one year anniversary of the death of my father,  he lost his life in a pretty terrible motorbike accident.  Now, my father and I did not have a close relationship, we talked occasionally and we exchanged cards and sentiments at holidays. My parents divorced when I was bout 7/8 and I was 110% a daddy's girl. And then *poof* he was gone, we (my brother and I) would see him in the summer with his new family and spend time together, but it was never the same. But he was still my dad, I honestly didn't think his death would hit me half as hard as it did. So much left to say, so much more to do before we crossed that road, and all of a sudden I was standing there and he was gone. Why would God let this happen? I wasn't ready, my family wasn't even close to ready. My Grandmother has always been an amazing matriarch of our family, that woman is as tough as nails. I honestly was afraid for her health, she was not doing well and still isn't. I cannot even imagine how difficult it would be to lose a child, and I do not want to find out. 

This is one of the many examples of my questioning God, I guess it's a reminder of the question. I have been through a lot in my life and many times I have been kneeling and crying and just wanting to know 'why.' Why /take my babies away (miscarriages) why make us go through such terrible things? Why let me get so sick? Why take my loved ones? Why make this all so hard?

So, my response and interpretation.... May be a bit a cliché, but bear with me. How can we enjoy the light without the dark? But it is not nearly that simple. God flat out tells us we will have troubles!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" John 16:33 NIV

I seem to keep coming back to this verse, but it simply reminds me that if I am having troubles, I am still alive and God is still here. I am human, and if I am lucky I have a good day to 70 years left to live this life. But after that is what really counts. I have a King that died on the cross for me and if I believe in him I shall have ever lasting life, won't be life on this planet, but life with him. And even if I'm wrong about this whole thing, and there is no life after this I am still content and comfortable with my choice to put God first in my life. I would rather live for something than die for nothing.

Back to the no light without the dark. Yes, bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to very Christian people, people who go to church every Sunday and pray without ceasing. Some people die prematurely, they get diagnosed with cancer and they end up homeless, bad things happen to good people. And sometimes what we interpret as good things happen to really bad people. I will leave that open to interpretation. 

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27 NIV

We have a choice. We can believe that God has a greater plan and have faith that he knows what he's doing or we can depend on ourselves and risk building on the sand. Again, being a Christian does not make your life a bed of roses, but it gives you a great traveling companion. I think God has his reasons, and he is often referred to as the"Father." Well, any good father will teach you, don't touch the stove, it's hot, don't run into the streets there are cars... Etc. If your arm gets broken it hurts! And then you wear a cast, which is still painful, and eventually it gets better and your arm is scarred and may not be as good as it was, but it is WAY better than it would have been if you had not done anything. And this is where my opinion comes in. God puts us through trials to make us stronger, not only stronger as a person who has overcome an obstacle, but stronger in our faith and trust in him. Sometimes it takes a brick to the face to remind us that our strength is not in ourselves or the people around us, it is in the hand of God who stands beside us.

But this still leaves the question, why take people out of our lives? Why at 51 did my father have to die in a horrible way. I heard so many things in the days following, "he didn't feel any pain he died instantly" and then that he lived long enough at the hospital that he could have made his peace with God. As a medical professional I would like to believe that he passed instantly and was not in the pain that I can't even bring myself to imagine, but the Christian in me hope and prays that he made his peace and is in heaven with God. He meant so much to so many people, his memorial service was in a large church and it was full, I was shocked. Standing on stage talking about him and seeing all the grief and heartache and for what? What was the reason? I'm sorry, but "It was his time" just doesn't cut it for me. Now, I believe that we are all here for a reason and God has a plan for our lives. (My father was an organ donor and was able to donate to young children in an area nearby.) But, because we have free will and because the devil is alive and well on earth and in the people who do not follow God, that is when lives are taken for no reason. Every night before bed I read the news, "4 people dead in .....", "Husband and wife sentenced for death of their toddler." A nice dose of dreadful before bed, I should probably re think my bedtime routine. So if God is so great, and amazing and loves us so much, why do all of these things happen??? Why is there so much pain in the world? Why do innocent people suffer for what seems like no reason? My conclusion..... free will. God is in control and has a very large part in the things that happen to his people. He teaches us in different ways to become closer to him. But there is an ongoing battle between good and evil each and every moment of each and every day. PEOPLE take the power from him and decide for themselves to be evil and do horrible things. And I have decided that I am going to pray, and I am going to focus on the light, even when there is only one tiny sparkle in an otherwise black night. Each of us have to find a way to cope with the things that have happened in our lives, with the trauma we have endured, without some of the people we love, and learn to live with the depravity that we hear and see every single day, because our time here is a tiny blip on the radar compared to the eternity that has been promised to us.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 NIV

It's all about focus and faith, not necessarily understanding the reason, if you focus on the reason you will miss the beauty we are also surrounded by. It's okay to have 'glass half empty days' just don't live there, fill up that cup and enjoy what you DO have.

Having a little faith

"He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves "Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

Mark 4:39 NIV

It has been a little bit since I posted, we got an amazing gift from God and everything we had been stressing about was resolved.  So today I am thinking to myself how powerful God really is. I mean who do you know that can shout outside and say "Be still" and then the wind stops? Unless they are controlling the wind machine. And I have yet to meet a person who loves me and forgives me for everything I have ever and will ever do. I have a mom that loves me and siblings that love me, and an amazing husband that loves me. But, on those days when I am just really not lovable, and when I repeatedly mess up and not listen.... I wouldn't have a friend in the world if I acted like that all the time.  But I would have God. I can't count the amount of times I have walked away and said "I can do it alone" or "I'm not going to listen, because I don't want to." And yet, every turn he's there, waiting patiently for me to go the right way.

In our family we have a saying, "God gives us a brick to the face." Sounds horrific I know, but stay with me. During those times when I am not lovable, and just flat out not listening, I can usually count on running into a brick wall. Things get harder, I don't get what I was expecting or wanting and life gets a little uncomfortable. Then if I continue, life gets REALLY hard, and things totally spin out of control and that is a brick to the face, when I have nowhere to look but up. These are not pleasant times, and life is really a hard thing to wake up to everyday. But, once I walk around the corner and grab the hand of God and tell him "I'm sorry, I messed up." I feel the peace, the forgiveness and things start getting a little better, a little easier. And that is the forgiveness of God, I honestly think he gives us trials and we are at a fork in the road, one way to the world and the other to God. Which one we choose really sets the tone for our lives. I know people who constantly take the world road and they have a lot more than I do, they work half as hard as I do and have twice as much. Once I realized that wasn't what life was about, It's about finding contentment in the things you have and being thankful to God for all he has given, I personally have been a lot happier. Keeping my focus on God and not the problems and people around me has made a big difference.

Now my goal with all of this, is to avoid these bricks to the face, and these wake up calls. Now I have no delusion of life on easy street, he flat out tells us "you will have trouble." But I don't want to find him hiding behind the corner where I stuck my faith, I want to walk with him daily and have a hand to hold during my trials. Right now, there are quite a few lingering questions about trials, and a lot of growth needed in the faith area, but I'm working on it. Oh, what it would be to sit down with him for an hour and find out what life has in store. But we don't have the map, we have the key, the Bible, we have the guide, God, and we have to have a little faith. Listen to him when it's hard to listen and follow when it's the hardest to follow, and trust when you are sure you can do it better.

Faith

Original Sin

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Romans 8:31 NIV

Well, I can honestly say that I feel like EVERYTHING is against me sometimes. I wake up abruptly and am given a choice to be irritated or joyful. I fix my family breakfast and have another choice, be annoyed that my daughter got syrup everywhere again or be happy that I have food to eat and a family to share it with. And before we eat, I have the choice to thank the Lord for the food and my family or just dig in. I have been awake less than an hour and I have already had at least three chances to turn to God. Did I meet my goal? Today, yes. But, there are 24 hours in a day, and you can't sleep it all away and hope that God is only looking when you are doing the right thing. It is a conscious effort, it takes time and it takes work to put one foot in front of the other and get up that mountain! 

Now, I am not the first person to ever struggle with this concept, I am hardly the first Christian to say "hey. this sucks and I have the answer, but I don't want to do that." If I had a fever, and I was so sick I couldn't do anything I would go to the doctor and he/she would give me an antibiotic, I would take it religiously (funny that we use that word for this behavior) for the full 10 days and would not give it a second thought. Because by day 3 I would be feeling like a million bucks. I think the true struggle with God is we get that immediate, YES! Powerful, covered in the holy spirit, honeymoon phase of turning our live to God, and then life happens, honeymoon is over! We have to go back to work, we have to take care of our family, we have to drive the same road, with the same people that were there yesterday. And God isn't there. He is back at home, or even at church. God is not a cap that we put on once a week and then forget about.  But, it is what I keep doing! Life is hard, and unforgiving and we are bombarded daily with the views of unGodly things.

When we turn to God the devil takes notice. We have a fork in the road each day at each moment and we have two ways to turn. One towards God and the other the Devil. And we are constantly being pulled in two directions. And the true test is which side will I let win? The honeymoon doesn't last forever in any relationship and God is no different.
But this is why I need to make God someone I meet with religiously. I am making a mom time, a time for me to grab my multiple devotionals, or something I have in my head and read about it, talk to God about it, and feel. That has been the hardest thing for me, for most of my life. My parents divorced when I was young and I was told to "feel" the sadness and cry if I needed to, and feel angry, but let it out in the correct way. Well at 8 the correct way was unknown to me. And no one wanted to hang out with the girl who cried all the time. As I became an adult "feeling" was something I could shut off, and not worry about until I was ready. And then one day my BODY told me it was ready, I was officially out of hiding space. I became very ill, in and out of the hospital and medication after medication and NOTHING worked. I was looking in the wrong direction. I AM NOT saying that mental illness can be cured by having a stronger relationship with God, I will talk about that another day. But I surely do believe that a healthy relationship with God can definitely make those bad days a little bit easier. 

I really went off on a tangent on this one, phew, I am not doing so well at this. I am not the first person to deal with this, Adam and Eve were. They were set up with some pretty nice digs! No rent, no stress, no need for clothes, lets name some animals, meet with God and enjoy this oasis that we have here. And Eve STILL stumbled, God put a fork in the road, the serpent, and she went the wrong way. And we are all still paying for this decision. But that is what 'will' is all about. I have to make the decision to turn to the light, take the antibiotics, or turn the other way and hope I don't die, or end up further from God than I want to be. I know the answer to the question, I just have to put aside my own failings, and fears and walk in faith. God gives us a choice, and EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY we have to decide which way we are going to go, and I won't make the right decision every time, and that is why I need to walk WITH him and not alone. Because I can not do this alone, I'm too human.

Confessions of a former lukewarm Christian

I, like many people, grew up in the Christian faith, I was dragged to church every Sunday with the grueling voice of my nagging mother and the sluggish feet of my step father. We would arrive, do the normal pleasantries, children would go one way and adults another. We would play games and we would sing silly songs and recite verses that I figured would simply get me a gold star and I could drift off into my own imagination for awhile. I mean a man swallowed by a whale..... really? Walking on water, come on, I can barely hold my breath for 30 seconds, let alone risk walking off of a boat!!! This is absurd. But I went. My mother enrolled me in Vacation Bible school each summer I am sure to have a few brief moments of quiet from myself and my darling little brother. 

Then one fateful summer everything changed for me. I "went atop the mountain" as my mother would say. My great Grandfather, which I will speak much of at first I am sure, had decided us older greats would come to Oklahoma and go to a Christian Summer camp in Arkansas..... in the SUMMER! (Please note, we lived in Wyoming) So I go to this 
camp at the bright bold age of awkward tween who had braces and would do anything to fit in. I would have to say around 13/14. 
Now there were a TON of kids (at this time I was not aware of the 'bible belt.') It was massive, the sanctuary where we met was massive, I mean they could have had an N'Sync concert in this place. (At that time, they were a big deal) I honestly could not tell you where all of these kids came from. I swear they bussed them in from neighboring 
camps in other states. It was huge! I played along, I pretended I knew how to pitch softball, was pretty good if I do say so myself, I learned that the "cool" kids at church camp had their parents there and they of course were in a "relationship" with the cutest boys at camp. They sat next to each other in the lunch mansion, big deal! Anyways, It was a whole new culture for me. I spent a week being teased about my teeth and my clothes and that I was chubbier than the other girls and I didn't bring curlers! Oh the humanity! Oh, and snipe hunting..... cant forget that gem. Not exactly the most Jesus rich environment imaginable. 

But one night I was actually listening to the speaker, I was sitting there in my shorts overalls in the biggest pink bible shirt they handed out that was still a bit to tight, but I matched with the girls in my cabin. I listened and I felt empowered and I thought to myself, I am a horrible person and if I am this horrible already how bad am I going to be by the time I actually meet this guy, or spirit, or get to the gate or whatever. And I looked at my Grandfather and I said "I want to give my life to Christ Grandad, I don't want to be 
like this forever." He took me out on those steps and I wept, I mean, teenage girl who just found out her favorite boy band was breaking up, and then her cat died, wept. He hugged me tight and told me I never had to be alone again, he prayed I would find a nice Christian man one day and I would live in God's image and I would be blessed by him and I would be okay.
I left that summer camp feeling 10 feet high and bullet proof! I have the armor of God and you can say whatever you want and I don't care! I am a princess, daughter of THE King!

Now we fast forward into highschool and boys and sports and all those things that this world does to take us further and further from God. Slowly that picture of my Summer camp crew got further and further into my memory box and further down that mountain I slid.
 
Next, I am a vibrant, nerdy 16 year old with a steady boyfriend and I know everything, because I was afterall 16 years old! We were going to get married and live happily ever after and everything is wonderful. Well, hate to break it to ya, it wasn't. He left for college and we lasted for a little while and we drifted apart and broke up. And a mere two weeks later I was throwing up eveything I ate, and taking naps on the weekends, and not doing so good in school. As I walk out of the bathroom one afternoon, I stood before my mother, aunt and step dad, all in a semi circle staring at me..... I don't remember who.... but I was asked "Could you be pregnant?" And wouldn't you know it..that darn stick turned blue, even after my mom put it under a kitchen towel and told us we had to wait the full 10 minutes to be sure that it was accurate. That line could be seen from space! God wasn't on my mind. 

So I muddle through highschool as a pregnant girl, graduate after taking a semester off because of my "condition." I was working and trying to attend college, God was the last thing on my mind. Well, watching my son all the time became too much for my mom and told me she couldn't do it anymore. 

So at the know it all age of 18 I moved to go live with my biological father and his wife two states away. Well, I actually lived with the step mom's mom, but they is neither here nor there.
But I found it again! I found that mountain. I went to church every Sunday, I joined the choir, I was active in the bible studies and part of the youth group and I was accepted for who I was! I had tattoos and a child out of wedlock, but I was one of God's children and I was alright! I jammed out to Toby Mac and Casting Crowns and I had the full Christian music soundtrack jamming in my car all the time, I got baptized again and I was rocking it at the top of that mountain and that was really great for awhile. And then life hit me in the face..... again. I was living in an addition that was built onto a 5th wheel, I had the best job a CNA could get in the town we lived, and I was scraping by. I was eating popcorn and Tuna fish and my son ate green beans and chicken nuggets. Because that was all I could afford. I was hopeless and scared. 

And I know exactly what a good Christian would be telling me at this 
point. "Well, you just didn't trust in God enough", "You didn't give him a chance to work in your life" " It's never easy to make the right choice." 

You know what..... It's not easy IT IS NOT EASY AT ALL! So I went back to Wyoming with my tail between my legs and I fell back into the same routine, I wasn't going to church anyhmore, I was working insane hours and trying my best to go to school so I could actually make a life for my son and I. And I somersaulted off that mountain. I lost my job and my son went to live with his dad. I finally got a new job and it was time for him to come home, and SURPRISE his dad found him an awesome Christian school to go to. So we decided it was best for him to stay there. At least God was on my mind for that decision. 

So I slumped. I got involved with a guy who liked me, didn't matter that he cheated on me, or he didn't really love me. I wasn't alone. 

And we got married and I slid further, 

my son was farther away, and I slid. 

And then we got divorced and I slid. 

And then I found alcohol, and I slid. 

And then I found men, free dinners, free movies didn't have to go home with them, that was nice. Until one night I went on a date with a bad man. He followed me home and I was aggressively assaulted. He said he was an officer of the law, and the gun he had was proof enough for me. This happened to me twice. And my faith was shot, how could God let this happen? How much worse can my life possibly get? Where was God?

Finally, I got tired! I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, I was tired of this dead end, I did not want to live this way, It was not right. I saw a beacon of light, I was going to lose my job, my house, my car and everything I had fought so hard for because I wanted to numb the pain of something that was out of my control and not my fault. So I checked myself into the hospital and I went to church and I got back up on that mountain and I came out on top of the world. 

Well, the world really sucks when you get back to your home and your car was repoed, your house is being forclosed on and your only friends are at the bar. That was a short lived summit.

About 6 months later I met my husband, lucky number 2, at the bright bold age of 26. We partied a little, we moved in together way to fast, and BAM baby #2. Things were great for awhile, he 
worked in the oil field and we were comfortable we were happy. I didn't need God, I did all this on my own. *puffed out chest, look at me* And then God hit me with a brick to the face.  The oil field started drying up, we couldn't afford our bills, all the trauma that I had been burying for so long was surfacing and I couldn't work. I got job after job after job and I kept getting fired, I was having seizures and then random parts of my body wouldn't work and my depression was spiralling out of control. My life was in a tailspin again! 

It all started to changed on April 23rd 2015 I got the call I was dreading. "Your Daddy has been in an accident on his motorcycle, and he didn't make it." NO! I didn't get to fix our relationship,
I didn't get to tell him I was sorry and that I understood, andthat we were okay. His birthday was 5 days before and I didn't even send him a text because I was being selfish. And now he's gone. And I had to get back to Arizona, where my family was. 

Now that darling brother I mentioned before has turned out out to be quite the very tall, strapping young man with a pastor's daughter as his wife. They go to church every single week, they even go more than once a week! You got a question about scripture he is an encyclopedia of knowledge. And while I was there, I went to their church, and I listened to the sermon, and I sat around my grieving family feeling like an outsider because I had left so many years ago. But I felt the power within me, I felt the strength that everything was going to be okay, but only IF I give my life back to God, because he is the end all. Without him NOTHING is possible. And my husband and I actually got married while we were there because it was the right thing to do, living in sin wasn't right. And we needed to set an example for our daughter. We got back home and we did bible study at night and we stayed on that summit for quite awhile. And then life got in the way again, we started getting distracted and life was going okay and we didn't need God. We had it under control. We were both lukewarm for God. 

I ignored God for so long because I had it all under control. My depression wasn't so bad as long as I took my medication, I was a lukewarm Christian. My health wasn't so bad as long as I didn't do anything crazy, I was a lukewarm Christian. Our arguments weren't so bad that we needed to pray about it, I was a lukewarm Christian. And our financial situation wasn't so bad that we couldn't handle it. I was a lukewarm Christian!

I made sure that I subscribed to all the right pages on Facebook and I talked the talk to my friends. I put the image out there that i was on a mountain and I would pray for people. (I really did Pray for people, I am not a monster)

But I was not giving it all to him, I was not laying it ALL at the cross. I would set stuff down and then I would walk back and grab it and say to God, It's okay, I got this one. 
I had a CD from a Christian comedian that I used to listen to all the time, he gave an analogy that when we ask God for forgiveness, he takes that sin, that black mark and he throws it out into the deepest part of the ocean, HE forgets about it. And you know what we do? What I do?? I get in a little row boat and I get my net and fishing pole and I grab it back. I tell him that his forgivness isn't enough and I obviously need to keep this because there is no way I can get rid of it that easy. And I tell God that I got this, I don't need him. 

I honestly have no idea what has compelled me to start this blog. I'm struggling as a Christian and I picked up my devotional tonight and I just felt compelled. 

We are struggling as a family, my Veteran husband, whom I recently found out has some serious PTSD issues coming up, is struggling more than he admits, we are 7 days away from being homeless, our home is messy because I am too depressed and sore from the surgery I had that resulted in losing a baby. (I had 
surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy,) and until tonight I was angry, I was so mad at God, this is the 3rd baby that has been taken from us in a year. My faith was already shaky and it had a nice push in the wrong direction. Being lukewarm has gotten me nowhere, I've given up on him, he must have given up on me!

I feel God puts us through these trials for our own good. No, they are never easy, and a manual with a final outcome laid out for us would be nice. But, we don't have that. We simply have two choices, him or ourselves. 

But I realized tonight that I am too human to do the things I should or that I need to, ALL ALONE. All this time I told God that I had this, and I didn't need him. But now I am sitting at the bottom of the cross begging for another chance, for a chance to throw all those sins back in the ocean and a chance to not feel this pain and not feel like I am alone. How many times have we done this?

I am a princess, I am the daughter of THE king! I am slowly climbing that mountain again, and this time I am not coming down. I am going to keep my promise and I am going to hand my life back over because I can not do this alone. And I need the help of God, and I need hime every single day. He doesn't want lukewarm Christians, 
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold not hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm -neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Revelations 3:15-16 NIV

I don't know about you, but I am so tired of fighting, I do not want to stand before God one day and have to explain to him that life got in the way. He is the life I need to live.
GOD IS NOT AN EMERGENCY EXIT, HE IS THE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION!

Here is to being red hot! And listening to him from now on, because I don't have this, I have no idea what I am doing! And the only person who can help me is God, and the only way he can help is if I hand it over.