I, like many people, grew up in the Christian faith, I was dragged to church every Sunday with the grueling voice of my nagging mother and the sluggish feet of my step father. We would arrive, do the normal pleasantries, children would go one way and adults another. We would play games and we would sing silly songs and recite verses that I figured would simply get me a gold star and I could drift off into my own imagination for awhile. I mean a man swallowed by a whale..... really? Walking on water, come on, I can barely hold my breath for 30 seconds, let alone risk walking off of a boat!!! This is absurd. But I went. My mother enrolled me in Vacation Bible school each summer I am sure to have a few brief moments of quiet from myself and my darling little brother.
Then one fateful summer everything changed for me. I "went atop the mountain" as my mother would say. My great Grandfather, which I will speak much of at first I am sure, had decided us older greats would come to Oklahoma and go to a Christian Summer camp in Arkansas..... in the SUMMER! (Please note, we lived in Wyoming) So I go to this
camp at the bright bold age of awkward tween who had braces and would do anything to fit in. I would have to say around 13/14.
Now there were a TON of kids (at this time I was not aware of the 'bible belt.') It was massive, the sanctuary where we met was massive, I mean they could have had an N'Sync concert in this place. (At that time, they were a big deal) I honestly could not tell you where all of these kids came from. I swear they bussed them in from neighboring
camps in other states. It was huge! I played along, I pretended I knew how to pitch softball, was pretty good if I do say so myself, I learned that the "cool" kids at church camp had their parents there and they of course were in a "relationship" with the cutest boys at camp. They sat next to each other in the lunch mansion, big deal! Anyways, It was a whole new culture for me. I spent a week being teased about my teeth and my clothes and that I was chubbier than the other girls and I didn't bring curlers! Oh the humanity! Oh, and snipe hunting..... cant forget that gem. Not exactly the most Jesus rich environment imaginable.
But one night I was actually listening to the speaker, I was sitting there in my shorts overalls in the biggest pink bible shirt they handed out that was still a bit to tight, but I matched with the girls in my cabin. I listened and I felt empowered and I thought to myself, I am a horrible person and if I am this horrible already how bad am I going to be by the time I actually meet this guy, or spirit, or get to the gate or whatever. And I looked at my Grandfather and I said "I want to give my life to Christ Grandad, I don't want to be
like this forever." He took me out on those steps and I wept, I mean, teenage girl who just found out her favorite boy band was breaking up, and then her cat died, wept. He hugged me tight and told me I never had to be alone again, he prayed I would find a nice Christian man one day and I would live in God's image and I would be blessed by him and I would be okay.
I left that summer camp feeling 10 feet high and bullet proof! I have the armor of God and you can say whatever you want and I don't care! I am a princess, daughter of THE King!
Now we fast forward into highschool and boys and sports and all those things that this world does to take us further and further from God. Slowly that picture of my Summer camp crew got further and further into my memory box and further down that mountain I slid.
Next, I am a vibrant, nerdy 16 year old with a steady boyfriend and I know everything, because I was afterall 16 years old! We were going to get married and live happily ever after and everything is wonderful. Well, hate to break it to ya, it wasn't. He left for college and we lasted for a little while and we drifted apart and broke up. And a mere two weeks later I was throwing up eveything I ate, and taking naps on the weekends, and not doing so good in school. As I walk out of the bathroom one afternoon, I stood before my mother, aunt and step dad, all in a semi circle staring at me..... I don't remember who.... but I was asked "Could you be pregnant?" And wouldn't you know it..that darn stick turned blue, even after my mom put it under a kitchen towel and told us we had to wait the full 10 minutes to be sure that it was accurate. That line could be seen from space! God wasn't on my mind.
So I muddle through highschool as a pregnant girl, graduate after taking a semester off because of my "condition." I was working and trying to attend college, God was the last thing on my mind. Well, watching my son all the time became too much for my mom and told me she couldn't do it anymore.
So at the know it all age of 18 I moved to go live with my biological father and his wife two states away. Well, I actually lived with the step mom's mom, but they is neither here nor there.
But I found it again! I found that mountain. I went to church every Sunday, I joined the choir, I was active in the bible studies and part of the youth group and I was accepted for who I was! I had tattoos and a child out of wedlock, but I was one of God's children and I was alright! I jammed out to Toby Mac and Casting Crowns and I had the full Christian music soundtrack jamming in my car all the time, I got baptized again and I was rocking it at the top of that mountain and that was really great for awhile. And then life hit me in the face..... again. I was living in an addition that was built onto a 5th wheel, I had the best job a CNA could get in the town we lived, and I was scraping by. I was eating popcorn and Tuna fish and my son ate green beans and chicken nuggets. Because that was all I could afford. I was hopeless and scared.
And I know exactly what a good Christian would be telling me at this
point. "Well, you just didn't trust in God enough", "You didn't give him a chance to work in your life" " It's never easy to make the right choice."
You know what..... It's not easy IT IS NOT EASY AT ALL! So I went back to Wyoming with my tail between my legs and I fell back into the same routine, I wasn't going to church anyhmore, I was working insane hours and trying my best to go to school so I could actually make a life for my son and I. And I somersaulted off that mountain. I lost my job and my son went to live with his dad. I finally got a new job and it was time for him to come home, and SURPRISE his dad found him an awesome Christian school to go to. So we decided it was best for him to stay there. At least God was on my mind for that decision.
So I slumped. I got involved with a guy who liked me, didn't matter that he cheated on me, or he didn't really love me. I wasn't alone.
And we got married and I slid further,
my son was farther away, and I slid.
And then we got divorced and I slid.
And then I found alcohol, and I slid.
And then I found men, free dinners, free movies didn't have to go home with them, that was nice. Until one night I went on a date with a bad man. He followed me home and I was aggressively assaulted. He said he was an officer of the law, and the gun he had was proof enough for me. This happened to me twice. And my faith was shot, how could God let this happen? How much worse can my life possibly get? Where was God?
Finally, I got tired! I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, I was tired of this dead end, I did not want to live this way, It was not right. I saw a beacon of light, I was going to lose my job, my house, my car and everything I had fought so hard for because I wanted to numb the pain of something that was out of my control and not my fault. So I checked myself into the hospital and I went to church and I got back up on that mountain and I came out on top of the world.
Well, the world really sucks when you get back to your home and your car was repoed, your house is being forclosed on and your only friends are at the bar. That was a short lived summit.
About 6 months later I met my husband, lucky number 2, at the bright bold age of 26. We partied a little, we moved in together way to fast, and BAM baby #2. Things were great for awhile, he
worked in the oil field and we were comfortable we were happy. I didn't need God, I did all this on my own. *puffed out chest, look at me* And then God hit me with a brick to the face. The oil field started drying up, we couldn't afford our bills, all the trauma that I had been burying for so long was surfacing and I couldn't work. I got job after job after job and I kept getting fired, I was having seizures and then random parts of my body wouldn't work and my depression was spiralling out of control. My life was in a tailspin again!
It all started to changed on April 23rd 2015 I got the call I was dreading. "Your Daddy has been in an accident on his motorcycle, and he didn't make it." NO! I didn't get to fix our relationship,
I didn't get to tell him I was sorry and that I understood, andthat we were okay. His birthday was 5 days before and I didn't even send him a text because I was being selfish. And now he's gone. And I had to get back to Arizona, where my family was.
Now that darling brother I mentioned before has turned out out to be quite the very tall, strapping young man with a pastor's daughter as his wife. They go to church every single week, they even go more than once a week! You got a question about scripture he is an encyclopedia of knowledge. And while I was there, I went to their church, and I listened to the sermon, and I sat around my grieving family feeling like an outsider because I had left so many years ago. But I felt the power within me, I felt the strength that everything was going to be okay, but only IF I give my life back to God, because he is the end all. Without him NOTHING is possible. And my husband and I actually got married while we were there because it was the right thing to do, living in sin wasn't right. And we needed to set an example for our daughter. We got back home and we did bible study at night and we stayed on that summit for quite awhile. And then life got in the way again, we started getting distracted and life was going okay and we didn't need God. We had it under control. We were both lukewarm for God.
I ignored God for so long because I had it all under control. My depression wasn't so bad as long as I took my medication, I was a lukewarm Christian. My health wasn't so bad as long as I didn't do anything crazy, I was a lukewarm Christian. Our arguments weren't so bad that we needed to pray about it, I was a lukewarm Christian. And our financial situation wasn't so bad that we couldn't handle it. I was a lukewarm Christian!
I made sure that I subscribed to all the right pages on Facebook and I talked the talk to my friends. I put the image out there that i was on a mountain and I would pray for people. (I really did Pray for people, I am not a monster)
But I was not giving it all to him, I was not laying it ALL at the cross. I would set stuff down and then I would walk back and grab it and say to God, It's okay, I got this one.
I had a CD from a Christian comedian that I used to listen to all the time, he gave an analogy that when we ask God for forgiveness, he takes that sin, that black mark and he throws it out into the deepest part of the ocean, HE forgets about it. And you know what we do? What I do?? I get in a little row boat and I get my net and fishing pole and I grab it back. I tell him that his forgivness isn't enough and I obviously need to keep this because there is no way I can get rid of it that easy. And I tell God that I got this, I don't need him.
I honestly have no idea what has compelled me to start this blog. I'm struggling as a Christian and I picked up my devotional tonight and I just felt compelled.
We are struggling as a family, my Veteran husband, whom I recently found out has some serious PTSD issues coming up, is struggling more than he admits, we are 7 days away from being homeless, our home is messy because I am too depressed and sore from the surgery I had that resulted in losing a baby. (I had
surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy,) and until tonight I was angry, I was so mad at God, this is the 3rd baby that has been taken from us in a year. My faith was already shaky and it had a nice push in the wrong direction. Being lukewarm has gotten me nowhere, I've given up on him, he must have given up on me!
I feel God puts us through these trials for our own good. No, they are never easy, and a manual with a final outcome laid out for us would be nice. But, we don't have that. We simply have two choices, him or ourselves.
But I realized tonight that I am too human to do the things I should or that I need to, ALL ALONE. All this time I told God that I had this, and I didn't need him. But now I am sitting at the bottom of the cross begging for another chance, for a chance to throw all those sins back in the ocean and a chance to not feel this pain and not feel like I am alone. How many times have we done this?
I am a princess, I am the daughter of THE king! I am slowly climbing that mountain again, and this time I am not coming down. I am going to keep my promise and I am going to hand my life back over because I can not do this alone. And I need the help of God, and I need hime every single day. He doesn't want lukewarm Christians,
"I know your deeds, that you are neither cold not hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So because you are lukewarm -neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth."
Revelations 3:15-16 NIV
I don't know about you, but I am so tired of fighting, I do not want to stand before God one day and have to explain to him that life got in the way. He is the life I need to live.
GOD IS NOT AN EMERGENCY EXIT, HE IS THE MODE OF TRANSPORTATION!
Here is to being red hot! And listening to him from now on, because I don't have this, I have no idea what I am doing! And the only person who can help me is God, and the only way he can help is if I hand it over.
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